Lord knows that I hate reading…. I actually do everything I can to avoid it. Yes I’ll buy a book or books and start them but I have over 500 books mainly in print form that I have never finished or even opened the book…..
BUT God has a plan… Up until four days ago there were only three books that I finished within a week from starting them. The first was a Star Trek book called Kahless, the second was one by Phil Robertson and the third was one by Jennifer Boylan. For the past 46 years either myself or my family had been asking God to give me some direction. Well that never seemed to materialize and for the longest time even thou I remained loyal, or at least tried to, remain loyal to the teachings that The Master set down I could never find the time to read one simple and old book called…The Bible. I was raised in a traditional Catholic home… Church on Sundays, Fish on Fridays, and Confession on Saturday…. But I never “learned” to read The Bible.
A little back story:
At age 5 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy and my parents were devastated because that meant multiple doctor visits sometimes multiple times a week.
At age 11 I lost my maternal grandmother, the rock — no My Rock and best link to God, due to brain cancer…Needless to say I was heartbroken.
Junior High and High School rolled around and I started noticing “changes”…. I was like “Great what else can go wrong?” I did not date much and really never had a social life until the internet.
In 2000 I was actually in discernment for becoming a Catholic Priest… That was a very stressful time in my life. Little did I know that the stress would build.
On Christmas Day 2003 I lost my “thrift store shopping buddy” my aunt Judith or Judy…Talk about being devastated… I was just married a month prior (but that’s for another post).
I tried many times to figure out what was wrong with me…. I prayed and went to Holy Mass just like any good child of God would. But something was missing…. I tried several times to develop relationships with others
I asked multiple times for God to give me some kind of example that he wanted me to do something with my life; other than just breathing. Each time….Nothing.
Then about 10 years ago I started doing one of my favorite hobbies but this time actually charging for it….Yep photography. (That’s for another post.)
Then more recently in January of 2017 my father, my whole world, passed away…. The irony was that he was admitted to the hospital on Christmass Eve. I had come out to my parents just a year before.
About 8 years ago I started getting into the LGBT scene; mainly in a effort to get some quality clients and some paying work….. Little did I know that I would be where I am now. Like a lot of people I did a search online to learn from photographers who have done this crowd before… Well needless to say all I found was porn and news articles. So I opted for the porn (a habit I’m trying to break). Even then I was not 100 percent sure of what it meant to be Transgender. But the Master let me have as much rope as I wanted…I had just rediscovered how much I liked dressing in womens clothes and being all “girlish”. At first I was curious and figured this was just a release….But it felt so natural. (I used to do it when I was a kid.) Luckily I had a very devout woman in my life Clara who was their to guide me and some of the finer points. I lost her to another and she’s happy now. I tried to learn and read (there’s that word again) any article or video I could get my hands on. I didn’t have a LGBT support system network and being Catholic and Conservative (remember I live in California) all my friends from my past were either anti LGBT and protestant or the ones that I had made in the community were not Christian let alone Catholic. So I stayed in my bubble… Until one day I stumbled upon a site called PFLAG….
About 5 years ago I started therapy and eventually hormone replacement therapy and even thou I was still presenting as male I noticed some effect….Mainly emotional. (Low dose due to Epilepsy) And besides who would hire a transgender photographer? But even thou I was seeing a therapist for this how could I have known that I was about to embark on another type of therapy. One that would almost solidify the path I was heading down….
When I say a “different type of therapy” Well let’s just say the The King of Kings has a great sense of humor… As I said I don’t like to read. He’s been trying to get me to read His book since I could walk; nope I still have yet to finish it all the way. Without going into much detail He had me start on the dark side of the spectrum… Maybe to let me know what I was up against. Summer of 2013 I started doing something I thought was sacrilegious’ Praying in womens clothes. And girl did it work. I have always known that spiritually I was one of the special ones… But until now never really had told anyone on a mass scale… Try to think of it this way: You’re looking at your closet and notice that you need a certain shade of grey bra to go with a outfit. And you know exactly what store will have it in your size without even looking it up. And you know ahead of time what the representative will say when you try it on… Well you get the idea. But once again another blog post.
So with several “Father forgive me…I’m at your mercy.” I put on jeans and a t-shirt and dressed as much as I could, to resemble a woman, and said “Father I am in YOUR hands.” I walked out in the dead of night in not the best area of Long Beach and prayed… I started with just talking to God, Christ and Mama Mary. Then it happened…. I was doing my Rosary and in the darkest part of the area I was in (in Long Beach) a light came on…. no it was not a man-made light it was from God… This was not my first encounter with messages.
When I was young I remember people that those around me could not see standing watch. When I was 11 shortly after the death of my grandmother; I was visited by at least 3 people… Her, Christ and The Blessed Virgin Mary. They handed me the “rock” of the faith. I thought it was just my grandma saying goodbye. But then it happened again shortly after my confirmation…. The voices and protection for things that should have killed me; and it continues to this day. Most days are silent, but, some times usually when I’m in a state of deep prayer or surrounded by absolute silence I hear the entirety of what is going on in heaven. Yes many of you reading this are saying it’s just in her head….. NO they are as real and as load as the air horn on a semi truck. Very rarely do I actually see anyone anymore. Instead I see God in the little things.
When that first time I stepped out in womens clothes and prayed it was the deepest and most heartfelt type of prayer that I have ever experienced.
Now that the intro is done… The rest
BUT God has a plan… Up until four days ago there were only three books that I finished within a week from starting them.
Then via a post in a Facebook group called Transgender Christians I came across a book called “God Doesn’t Make Mistakes: Confessions of a Transgender Christian” on Amazon by Laurie Suzanne Scott Well I thought about it and on October 19th I purchased it in the Kindle format and I finished it on October 22nd. Needless to say that’s quick for me. I don’t know why I read it that quick but I know that I could relate. Comon how many other “Conservative Transgender Christians” could there be in the world? I firmly believe that this happened for a reason. Ever since the death of my father I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Mass. Which is sad because everyone calls me such a great Catholic. Ha. I needed Laurie’s story right now… I needed to know that just as her family considered her dead… And a portion of my family is actually dead….. That trials, sufferings and rewards are part of the package. I read how she got her ministry pulled out from under her, a divorce, and new life in ATC. I’ve been there. Heck which one of you reading this can honestly say that you haven’t lost something in order to gain yourself.??? Yep thought so. I need to get back to going to church, back to praying to and more importantly talking to him. For my whole life my prayer life has been one of self-giving…. I almost never pray for things I need….. Yea sure I may have joked with God about a few things…But it wasn’t like I actually wanted them. My prayer life has been that of praying for others and the things they need, they are struggling with, etc… I remember I actually prayed years ago that someone achieve greatness before I do… And she did my sister.
SIDE NOTE…I know that it may seem like rambling but to God this makes perfect sense.
In closing for now… I say for now because life is like a voyage sometimes what is posted on one may appear on another post of mine… Or it may get left behind….Or it may become tied into something else. I need to send this to Laurie in the hopes that she’ll approve before I post this. I’ve covered many topics in this and only a little was on the actual book….
May God Bless and Keep you. May thru the invention of the Most Blessed Virgin Mary bring you closer to fulfilling God’s plan for you.