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Putting Myself…

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Ask anyone who has known me since childhood, or at least prior to the last 10 years.  I don't know how to put myself first.  Don't get me wrong I have tried...Lord knows I have tried.  It just has never been in my nature; I'm always the one helping others even when it hurts me.  But since the death of my father in 2017 I really have put myself on the "back-burner"; those that know the circumstances know why.   I would love to just once be able to say "NO" when people ask me to help them or loan them money.

Granted ever since my aunt Nancy passed in 2009 it has been getting easier; after all she's the one who got me addicted to Starbucks... And as you all know my coffee comes first....LOL  But seriously, it's REALLY HARD to put yourself first and to as my therapist says "love yourself".    Growing up in a conservative family with what I know see as "hatred" all around well kinda messes with your head and heart.  Also with a medical condition that in some parts of the world is still considered "signs of demonic possession."  Well that kinda puts you in a "bubble"... Granted wither that bubble was self made or created by those around me it served as my "protector" for many many years.  It took those many many years to "break-out" of that bubble and start to see the hate and yes the hypocrisy that was being projected by well...Family members and those friends you consider family.  At first it was just obvious ways then I started to see the subtle ways.  But I never "loved myself" mainly because I was still thinking that way too if only to get along with those I cared about.  Some may think that I started to think and believe 100% differently when I "came-out"....  That is so far from the truth that it's ridiculous.....

If anything I started to see it when, Shelbe Chang, a actress friend and sister of mine insisted I photograph a premier of a documentary on Anti-Bullying.  The film was "Love All Human's" by Shawn and Tracy Williams.  Shawn and Tracy have departed my life, I'm sure for bigger and better things, but they did help set the framework in my voyage to not just discovering myself but also kinda liking myself.....

 

MORE TO COME...

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