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Putting Myself…

THIS IS GOING TO BE A POST THAT NEVER ENDS...

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Ask anyone who has known me since childhood, or at least prior to the last 10 years.  I don't know how to put myself first.  Don't get me wrong I have tried...Lord knows I have tried.  It just has never been in my nature; I'm always the one helping others even when it hurts me.  But since the death of my father in 2017 I really have put myself on the "back-burner"; those that know the circumstances know why.   I would love to just once be able to say "NO" when people ask me to help them or loan them money.

Granted ever since my aunt Nancy passed in 2009 it has been getting easier; after all she's the one who got me addicted to Starbucks... And as you all know my coffee comes first....LOL  But seriously, it's REALLY HARD to put yourself first and to as my therapist says "love yourself".    Growing up in a conservative family with what I know see as "hatred" all around well kinda messes with your head and heart.  Also with a medical condition that in some parts of the world is still considered "signs of demonic possession."  Well that kinda puts you in a "bubble"... Granted wither that bubble was self made or created by those around me it served as my "protector" for many many years.  It took those many many years to "break-out" of that bubble and start to see the hate and yes the hypocrisy that was being projected by well...Family members and those friends you consider family.  At first it was just obvious ways then I started to see the subtle ways.  But I never "loved myself" mainly because I was still thinking that way too if only to get along with those I cared about.  Some may think that I started to think and believe 100% differently when I "came-out"....  That is so far from the truth that it's ridiculous.....

If anything I started to see it when, Shelbe Chang, a actress friend and sister of mine insisted I photograph a premier of a documentary on Anti-Bullying.  The film was "Love All Human's" by Shawn and Tracy Williams.  Shawn and Tracy have departed my life, I'm sure for bigger and better things, but they did help set the framework in my voyage to not just discovering myself but also kinda liking myself.....

1/6/2021

As I said this will be the post that never ends....

As I take my time to try to mourn my father's passing (January 5th, 2017) I find myself bombarded with such hate that it is ridiculous.  My sister #SaraDansby is full of hate because from what I believe mom is now a burden and for many years she has called that I "try to find a job".  And now that I finally have she hates the fact I'm working so much.  She even wants my employer to write my schedule around hers so it doesn't interfere with her schedule.   I just can't win.  She thinks it's so horrible that she has to be here while I'm at work taking care of mom while I'm the one sleeping on the couch next to mom and putting in the other 16 hours of the day.  Plus my days off....   Am I being so awful? That I would like a day to relax?  That I would like a day to myself?  Please...!!!    The one person that I knew who could be there has accused me of manipulating her.  Granted she has said "I know exactly what you are going thru..."  WHAT!!!   Both of her parents are not only still alive but also are able to take care of themselves.

But I do know that most of you reading this will say that I'm feeling sorry for myself...Well maybe you're right to a certain degree.  But until you have walked a little in my shoes you can never fully understand what I'm going thru.  Yes despite a world-wide pandemic going on I have tried to date but no one is interested in someone like me.   Everyone whom I expressed and interest in just wants to be a friend...Sometimes with benefits, sometimes without.  It's hard to express the pain that I'm going thru without someone in my life; just to lend a ear would be great.  But alas I'm probably asking for to much in that aspect, if I am then I'm NOT SORRY!

MORE TO COME...

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